i ponder

so i had my senior prom. and it's almost time for graduation. it's amazing how fast time flies and it doesn't really hit you until it's too late. when i look back on the things i've done and DIDn't do.. i sigh and ponder about how different life would be if i hadn't made the choices that got me to this point? What would have happened

-if i stayed active in Spirit of Love

-if i went to morse or otay instead of UC?

-to justin and i if our parents parents did grow so close and push us about being more than friends?

-if i stayed with dennis?

-if i snuck out of my house ever? 

-if.. ANYTHING?

oh i don't know. there were time i wish i kept my mouth shut and time i wish i hadn't. but nevertheless.. i'm definately content with where i am at this point.

and robin.. if you're reading this.. I TOLD YOU THIS WAS BORING!

pointless words to the wind

as usual... shit going on with justin is never ending. we're not talking at this point.. b/c like normal... i don't feel as if he values this friendship as much as i do [then again.. how could he?] i was talking to albert about it all and he asked me, "why would best friends need a break? i thought they can talk about anything." isn't that thh truth!? damnit! i was considering making the first move in fixing all of this but i've done that before and it obviously hasn't done anything b/c we're back to square one. everything about this relationship is straigh out unhealthy b/c i'm constantly misunderstanding things and the whole point of a good friendship is good communication. so... what am i supposed to say? no matter what i know all justin would see this as is selfishness on my part and if he isn't willing to listen to my constant comlpaint then where am i going with it all. i've concluded that to try to fix anything now would be like throwing my words off to the wind. it would be a waste of time. meaning, if it is already piontless in my eyes... then is my friendship with him pointless? if anything it is one of the most valued things in my eyes [mostly b/c i've invested so much of me emotions into it] but if it's not mutual... then it was never really there.

i thought that by writing it out, i'd be able to figure something out... but i've never been more baffled. i'll just wait it out... which is the complete summary of my life story... =/

i doubt anybody ever sees this. but it doesn't really matter to me anymore. i gave up myspace for a couple of days [9] so i came back to read up on my friend and old confirmation teacher mikhael. surprisingly enough, it was about church and mass and God. For somebody who seems so connected to the world and against conformity [like conformed religion] what he said was very... i don't know... religious. and i do concur that to be in mass... just feels right. almost like nothing horribly wrong can happen to you there.

And about the gospel... and about how everyone finds their own interpretation... i just wish everyone would take the time out to think about what the readings say to them, instead of waiting for the father's view. b/c in our minds, we find meaning in the gospel depending on what needs to be helped of fixed in our lives. and to listen to somebody else and think, "well, i have no problem in that department" closes you up on that reading... when it could've helped you in a totally different way.

i went to the levites concert and they were showing pictures on the screen while music was playing. and one of the pictures was that of a dirty filipino girl sitting on the street, holding a limp little boy. and to the right of the picture, was a little boy from the streets... pointing a hand gun in her direction. he looked like he was only five feet away from her. and the gun looked to big in his hand he could harly wrap his fingers around the handle. i couldn't breathe at one point and my eyes began to water. has this world come to this!? has this world come to the point where we are almost alright with our children  growing up to fast... let alone in the wrong direction!? 

do i really want to fall and crack open before i turn back to the one person who loves me the way He does? Why have i been waiting to hit rock bottom in order to come back to God? If i hit rock bottom at the age of 16... what's going to happen to the rest of my life? I have to turn back. I have to turn back and pick up my cross. That or die. How could i have been so selfish?

well... i am kinda gettin over my cold... it's too bad i have to start all over when it comes to singing. i haven't done that in over a week and my body isn't used to it anymore. dangit!

well... we signed up for our classes for next year... and i hope i get all of the... and have a better year. wow.. my sophomore year is almost over, and it still feels so new! omg! whoa!

anyway, i don't realy have much to say these days... iym thinkin about discontinuing this site.

we'll see. -xoxo